Background Music: Bring Me to Life by Evanescence
Although I know that I am not answerable to anyone, I must convey my apologies for staying away. Writing is almost a confrontation with myself and as a result, I discover answers within me which I never wanted to accept. And in the process, I break myself apart and reconstruct the shards of my existence. Often it is not inspired by self-will. This violation to recover the truth revolves around one word. A word which, even phonetically, seems to pulsate with the power of its meaning.
Change.
I welcome it and I reject it with the same passion. As a restless being, I yearn for that fresh breath of air; that moment when I crack the ice surface and gasp in that new found oxygen. But even that air soon begins to inflitrate my nostrils, inhabit my body, forcing out the past and suffocating me with the present. Then why does it scare me, you may ask? This is all I have to ask you in return. What do you do when the world around you seems to spin ahead, leaving you alone and empty? What do you do when the fear of falling is replaced by the desire to belong? You change. This manipulative word, this chameleon of a word, reflects itself and cajoles you into becoming what you are not. A life where you cannot find yourself. A mind where your thoughts are rotting, metamorphosing into the deathly dungeons from where your nerves begin to regrow. Bloodless veins, spreading about you like the roots of a tree, clutching you with the strength of dependence, possessing you by defending its territory.
When the storm dies down, you are left exhausted and settle into a deep slumber amongst the fallen leaves and crushed flowers. Lying there until the moment of change sweeps you off your feet again. I am waiting, take me away with you and wrap me in your lifeless arms...
Although I know that I am not answerable to anyone, I must convey my apologies for staying away. Writing is almost a confrontation with myself and as a result, I discover answers within me which I never wanted to accept. And in the process, I break myself apart and reconstruct the shards of my existence. Often it is not inspired by self-will. This violation to recover the truth revolves around one word. A word which, even phonetically, seems to pulsate with the power of its meaning.
Change.
I welcome it and I reject it with the same passion. As a restless being, I yearn for that fresh breath of air; that moment when I crack the ice surface and gasp in that new found oxygen. But even that air soon begins to inflitrate my nostrils, inhabit my body, forcing out the past and suffocating me with the present. Then why does it scare me, you may ask? This is all I have to ask you in return. What do you do when the world around you seems to spin ahead, leaving you alone and empty? What do you do when the fear of falling is replaced by the desire to belong? You change. This manipulative word, this chameleon of a word, reflects itself and cajoles you into becoming what you are not. A life where you cannot find yourself. A mind where your thoughts are rotting, metamorphosing into the deathly dungeons from where your nerves begin to regrow. Bloodless veins, spreading about you like the roots of a tree, clutching you with the strength of dependence, possessing you by defending its territory.
When the storm dies down, you are left exhausted and settle into a deep slumber amongst the fallen leaves and crushed flowers. Lying there until the moment of change sweeps you off your feet again. I am waiting, take me away with you and wrap me in your lifeless arms...
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